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Secret
for a happy married life:
When you are wrong, admit it to your spouse; when you are right, keep
your mouth shut.
(If you have a faster internet connection, enjoy this short video- it shows how is life with a wife, generally! [forwarded by a friend- T. Savani])
Friends,
if you want to entertain an audience at your best friend's marriage anniversary
or at any family party, this is a collection of jokes and funny lines
which can make you a hot commodity among people out there.
Don't take home any impression from this page that I don't love my lovely
wife! Enjoy this page and also a note about how men
are usually like and why a dog
is better than a husband.
If you
are on my website for more than a few minutes, you would have gotten the
message- life is incomplete without stock
trading and without a spouse.
These two things add a lot of color and emotions (good and bad) to our
life and make it complete (or should I say finished???). To attain success
in these two, it takes hard work and discipline, and years of training.
However, I know most people look for short cuts so let me share my 2
cents worth of experience:
For success in short-term
stock trading, always keep a stop-loss.
For success in married life:
When you are wrong, admit it to your spouse; when you are right, keep
your mouth shut.
Enjoy this page and don't forget to email me if you have something to share on this topic. Also, feel free to Like this page on Facebook.com by clicking the link on the top.
When a married man says "I'll think about it", What he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
Son: Dad,
l got selected for the role of 'husband' in a play!
Dad:
Idiot! Ask your teacher for a role that has dialogues.??
Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary with a lot of fun & flair.
They had become the 'most infamous couple' of the city for not having a single conflict during their period of 25 long years! Local newspaper editors too had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well talked about "happy go lucky married life".
Editor: "Sir, it is amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? Please share your thoughts & experiences for the well being of the Society!"
Husband
recalling his old honeymoon days said:
"Well, we had been to Napa Valley for our honeymoon after marriage.
Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on
different horses. My horse was pretty okay, but the horse on which my
wife was riding, seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse
jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering
her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This
is your first time"!
She
again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while,
it happened again. This time, she again kept calm and said: "This is
your second time" and continued.
When
the horse dropped her the third time, she silently took out the gun
from the purse and shot the horse dead!!
I could not resist & shouted at my wife: "What the hell did you do,
you psycho! You simply killed the poor animal. Are you gone crazy?"
She gave a silent look and in a cool, composed posture, she said: "This
is your first time"!!!
And, then after we have lived happily... No arguments, No quarrels,
No pitty fights!"
The h usband concluded: "That's it. We are happy ever after".
(Someone forwarded this...)
Dear
Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed
a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly
in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5..0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Dear Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter the command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
A
woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds
him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches
as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 25 years ago
when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun
in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you
to jail for 25 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten
out today".
(Above joke contributed by Yatin Buch)
A
man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, ' If
you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill
you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man
was astonished. He went on, and after a while, he was going to cross
the road. Once again the voice shouted, ' Stop! Stand still! If you
take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around
the corner, barely missing him.
The
man asked. ' Who are you? '
' I am your guardian angel, ' the voice answered.
'Oh, yeah? ' the man asked 'And where the hell were you when I got married?
'
(Above joke contributed by Ashok Dhingara)
My wife
and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield
A good
wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle
I was married
by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns
The secret
of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
After a
quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I
married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son:
Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his
wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
(Jayesh: A man doesn't know his wife even after 50 years of marriage.)
(Did you hear that nice joke about 'Bridge to Hawaii'!! If not, let
me know)
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A woman
was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."
A man,
upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman
just like mother!"
His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was
complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a
big car, the love of a beautiful woman-then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend. "I got married...
I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by : Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute
First guy
(proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
(Following
one contributed by Ashok
Dhingara)
Everybody
on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men
to form two queues -- one line for the men that dominated their women
on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their
women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Are you
a woman wondering why there so many bad things about women on this page?
This is just to make life little fair....
When we
are born, our mothers get compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
The average
man' s life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
Click here to go to the second page full of such jokes on Husband and Wife
After all
the background checks, interviews and testing were done for an FBI job,
there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what
the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in
a chair Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said,'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home'.
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came
out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly
and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. I had to beat him to death
with the chair."