for a happy married life:
When you are wrong, admit it to your spouse; when you are right, keep your mouth shut.
Best Anniversary Jokes on the Internet
Life and Wife
(If you have a faster internet connection, enjoy this short video- it shows how is life with wife, generally! [forwarded by a friend- T. Savani])
Friends, if you want to entertain audience at your best friend's marriage anniversary or at any family party, this is a collection of jokes and fun lines which can make you a hot commodity among people out there.
Don't take home any impression from this page that I don't love my lovely wife! Enjoy this page and also a note about how men are usually like and why a dog is better than a husband.
If you are on my website for more than few minutes, you would have gotten the message- life is incomplete without stock trading and without a spouse. These two things add lot of color and emotions (good and bad) to our life and make it complete (or should I say finished???). To attain success in these two, it takes hard work and discipline, and years of training. However I know most people look for short cuts so let me share my 2 cents worth of experience:
For success in short-term stock trading, always keep a stop-loss.
For success in married life: When you are wrong, admit it to your spouse; when you are right, keep your mouth shut.
Enjoy this page and don't forget to email me if you have something to share on this topic. Also feel free to Like this page on Facebook.com by clicking the link on the top.
When a married man says "I'll think about it", What he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet..
Son: Dad, l got selected for the role of 'husband' in a play !
Dad: Idiot! Ask your teacher for a role which has dialogues.??
Once upon a time, a married couple like me, celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary with a lot of fun & flair.
They had become the 'most infamous couple' of the city for not having a single conflict during their period of 25 long years! Local newspaper editors too had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well talked about "happy go lucky married life".
Editor: "Sir, it is amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? Please share your thoughts & experiences for the well being of the Society!"
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said:
"Well, we had been to Napa Valley for our honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay, but the horse on which my wife was riding, seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time"!
She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time, she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.
When the horse dropped her the third time, she silently took out the gun from the purse and shot the horse dead!!
I could not resist & shouted at my wife: "What the hell did you do, you psycho! You simply killed the poor animal. Are you gone crazy?"
She gave a silent look and in a cool, composed posture, she said: "This is your first time"!!!
And, thenafter we have lived happily... No arguements, No quarrels, No pitty fights!"
Husband concluded: "That's it. We are happy ever after".
(Someone forwarded this...)
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5..0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Reply From Tech Support:
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
Marriage vs Prison
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 25 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 25 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".
(Above joke contributed by: Yatin Buch)
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, ' If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, ' Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. ' Who are you? '
' I am your guardian angel, ' the voice answered.
'Oh, yeah? ' the man asked 'And where the hell were you when I got married? '
(Above joke contributed by: Ashok Dhingara)
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
(Jayesh: A man doesn't know his wife even after 50 years of marriage.) (Did you hear that nice joke about 'Bridge to Hawaii'!! If not, let me know)
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!"
His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman-then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend. "I got married...
I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by : Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
(Following one contributed by Ashok Dhingara)
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to form two queues -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Are you a woman wondering why there so many bad things about women on this page?
This is just to make life little fair....
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
The average man' s life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done for an FBI job, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said,'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home'.
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. I had to beat him to death with the chair."