Secret for a happy married life:
When you are wrong, admit it to your spouse; when you are right, keep your mouth shut.

Best Jokes on Married People on the Internet

Click here for best anniversary jokes, Men Vs Women.

Husband vs wife

Life and Wife

Don't take home any impression from this page that I don't love my lovely wife!

If you are on my website for more than a few minutes, you would have gotten the message- life is incomplete without stock trading and without a wife (spouse). These two things add a lot of color and emotions (good and bad) to our life and make it complete (or should I say finished???). To attain success in these two, it takes hard work and discipline, and years of training. However, I know most people look for short cuts so let me share my 2 cents worth of experience:
For success in short-term stock trading, always keep a stop-loss.
For success in married life: When you are wrong, admit it to your spouse; when you are right, keep your mouth shut.

Life After Marriage- Boyfriend vs Husband

Why Not Start with Some Famous Quotes (I have not verified them! If you have to, please do so and let me know so I can correct them.
Thanks to Vasudev Patel from Surat who forwarded them to me.)

What is marriage? Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Lee Majors

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
- Al Gore

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them.
- Mike Tyson

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
- Bill Clinton

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- George W. Bush

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
- Rudy Giuliani

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
- Michael Jordan

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't. The third gave me more children!"
- Donald Trump

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Shaquille O Neal (Really, I thought it was mine!)

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
- Kobe Bryant

Do you know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Alec Baldwin

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Barack Obama

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
- Tommy Lee

"Honey, what happened to ladies first?". Husband replies, "That's the reason why the world is a mess today because a lady went first
- David Letterman

First there's the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes!
- Jay Leno

A "Husband Shopping Centre" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.

On the first floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

The second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking". "Hmmm", say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?".

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they go up.

Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor, they go.

The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!"

(Above joke contributed by Ashok Dhingara)

Just to make sure that women of the world do not make me their enemy or sue me (I am a trader anyway so the later is not going to get you any money ;)

Typical husband:

typical husband

Husband quality:
A message by a wife Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"

Here are some jokes on husbands---- (forwarded by a friend, Tulsi Savani.)

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," She replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an! intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q : What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Don't forget to read my TIPS ON SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

Did you like my collection? If you come across some jokes on married life, please forward it to me to make this collection even better.

Do you like stock trading? I have a solid but simple method to find stocks for trading. Visit my Short Term Stock Trading website at

Click here for best anniversary jokes

How do these people seek a wife? (Forwarded by Ashok Dhingara. Thanks.)

Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motorboat.

Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and successful career!

I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high. However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.

Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.

Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency. Compatibility could be an issue.

Wife wanted for company.

I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society................. (etc etc and never getting to the point)

Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition.

Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.

I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly -a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and
void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.

Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants. She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!

Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

Burri muddat keh baad eik arazoo jaagi hai,
Key hum bee shaadi shooda ho jaayeh,
Kya bahaana shaadi karaney ka............... joh
kurrey sarey sarey,
Yeah mai butaatah hoon .........
Kyoon key yaroo ub khud ghur keh kaam hotah nahee
sarey sarey.

Required a girl - 5'8' & 36' 24' 36' with a good head for figures. She must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as possible. She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her family.

Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a drinks factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come round. Friends come round only seven times a week. Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally in a bar or send drinks for trial. Sample should be ample.

Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I'm calling from base, erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not necessary, but map reading
skills are a bonus.

Allah kay naam peh koi eik biwi dey dey,
Doosrey kee nahi to upni hee dey dey,
Allah terah bullah kurrey,
Tujhey eik key balley doh dey dey,
Hillery hogi toh Monika bhi dey dey!

Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.

I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if you feel the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.

My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares wins. Camouflage provided.

A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able to keep pace!

I'm searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!