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U and Me!- Best Jokes on the Internet

It was autumn, and the Red Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's definitely going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
(Contibuted by Johnson Lukose )


(Following one contributed by Ashok Dhingara)
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to form two queues -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."


A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C-monkey, please". The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit the monkey with a collar and a leash and handed it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5000". The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C. He's very fast,does tight code,no bugs, well w
orth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. It was wearing a price tag on its collar. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" The shopkeeper said, "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff."

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."


Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.Why?
Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one ?"


Father to son after exam:"let me see your report card."
Son : "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."


Three beggars were begging in New York City.
The first one wrote "beg" on his broken steel cup and he received ten   bucks after one day.
The second one wrote "beg.com" on his cup and after one day he received   hundreds of thousand dollars. Someone even wanted  To take him to NASDAQ.
The third one wrote "e-beg" on his cup.  Both IBM and HP sent their vice-presidents to talk to him about a strategic alliance and offered him free professional consulting.


Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed."

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
(Why would one take wife?)

There was a barber in a small US town. One day a Florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.
An Indian Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies; I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what..........  he finds there - A Dozen Indians waiting for a free Haircut......


A husband had always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation, talk too much. Recently he proudly told his wife he'd  heard that men use 2200 words a day, while women use 4400.

The wife thought about that a moment, then concluded, "That's because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands."


An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.
An artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with he risk of being discovered.

A lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce,bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

A computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress  thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the  computer"

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