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What happens is not as important as how you react to what happens.
- Thaddeus Golas


Indian Desi Mother

INDIAN MOM Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner...who lives with a girl roommate Sunita... During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.....
Reading his mom' s thoughts, Kumar volunteered," I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I' ve been unable to find the silver chutney (Spicy Paste) jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you? "
"Well, I doubt it, but I 'll email her, just to be sure " So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I 'm not saying that you did take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you did not take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Kumar.

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son, I 'm not saying that you do sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now. Love, Mum.

Learn to Live...

In a shop a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter. The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the shop, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg. So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".
To his surprise, the customer was standing behind him. So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!!"

After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?".
To this the boy said, "I come from Mexico. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!! "
The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Mexico".
To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?"

Believe in your presence of mind and never panic!

A fourth son was born in the home of a minister's family. The father invited his friend to join the celebration and choose a name for the newborn child.

"What names have you given to the three elder boys?" asked the friend.

"One is Rahmat Elahi-(by God's kindness), the second Barkat Elahi (by God's grace) and the third Mahbub Elahi (beloved of God)," replied the proud father.

The friend pondered over the names for a while and replied, "I suggest you name your fourth son, Bas Kar Elahi (God that is enough)."

(Following one forwarded by Ashok Dhingara)

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please." The engineer takes the ticket that accountants gave and gets back into their restroom.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?" (thanks: Rakhi and Anil Singh)

One day a Florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.

The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.

An Indian Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies; I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what.......... he finds there - A Dozen Indians waiting for a free Haircut......

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. An artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with he risk of being discovered.

A lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce,bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

A computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer"

Mister Nene, his wife and his son were returning by train to home in Maharastra after taking a trip of South India. Mister Nene was occupying the lower berth, his wife had the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train.
When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way, the son requested his father to buy him a cup of ice cream to which he readily agreed and got off the train. When they returned, they found that a Gujju bhai who couldn't understand Hindi or Marathi had occupied his son's berth. Outraged, Mister Nene called the TT and asked him to help. TT was a South Indian who stated that he could not understand Hindi, Marathi or Gujarati so it would be better if Mister Nene explained the whole situation to him in English.
So Mr. Nene explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

How the various people search for life partner

BEGGAR Bhagwan ke nam pe koi ek biwi de de, Doosre ki nahi to apni hi de de, Bhagwan tujhe ek ke badle do dega, Hillary hogi to Monika bhi dega

BANKER Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

PESSIMIST Why do marriage and mirage rhyme? Because both of them are misleading.

LAWYER I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly -a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.

BOATMAN Must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Plaese send the photograph of motorboat.

SHAAYAR Badi muddat ke baad ek arzoo jaagi hai, Ki hum bhi shadi shuda ho jaye, Kya vajah shadi karane ki jo kahde sahi sahi, To yaroo ab khud se kaam ghar ka hota nahi.

BEVDA Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home. Friend come home only seven times a week.Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.

CAR MECHANIC Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition.Should be above average and must run the household at a good average. Dent wont be tolerated especially in the head gear.

10 stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some equally stupid answers:-

1.At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:-Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-Well, it's so hot , there were no cool cabs so I thought I'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.

2.In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again or should i try this time."

3.At a funeral:One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-Why? Would it rather have been you?

4.At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter Stupid Question:-Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:-No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5.At a family get-together. When some distant aunt meets you after years Stupid Question:-Oh wow, you've become so big.
Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6.When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask Stupid Question:-Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-No, he's a miserable, wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7.When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call Stupid Question:-Sorry, were you sleeping.
Answer:-No. I was playing basketball outside and was about to make a basket. What do you think?

8.When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair Stupid Question:-Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9.At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth Stupid Question:-Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-And while I'm telling you, you tell me if you bite. 10.You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks Stupid Question:-Oh, so you smoke
Answer:-No, it's a miracle ...........it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!

A Typical Life After Marriage

A techie woman writes to the IT Technical support.....

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded fromBoyfriend 5.0toHusband 1.0and I noticed a distinct slowdown in theoverall system performance, particularly in theflowerandjewellery applications, which operated flawlessly underBoyfriend 5.0.

In addition,Husband 1.0uninstalled many other valuable programs, such asRomance 9.5andPersonal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such asNEWS 5.0,MONEY 3.0andESPN 4.1.

Conversation 8.0no longer runs, andHousecleaning 2.6simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried runningNagging 5.3to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

_______ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ______ ___ _______

The IT Help Desk Responds

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind,Boyfriend 5.0is anEntertainment Package, whileHusband 1.0is anoperating system.

Please enter command:ithoughtyoulovedme.htmland try to downloadTears 6.2and do not forget to install theGuilt 3.0update.
If that application works as designed,Husband1.0should then automatically run the applicationsJewellery 2.0andFlowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can causeHusband1.0to default toSilence 2.5orBeer 6.1.
Please note thatBeer 6.1is a very bad program that will download theSnoring Loudly (Beta version).

Whatever you do,DO NOTin any circumstances installMother-In-Law 1.0(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall theBoyfriend 5.0program. These are unsupported applications and will crashHusband 1.0.

In summary,Husband 1.0is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional softwareto improve memory and performance.
We recommend:Cooking 3.0andGood Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Last update date: 11-feb-18